


Is It Worth It To Be Living?

by Khloris



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 09:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18518740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khloris/pseuds/Khloris
Summary: A price must be paid for the sin that we have been born as.





	1. Journal Entry #253

**Author's Note:**

> Some oneshots that I wrote back in 2016/2017 and am uploading here. May or may not continue adding.

“Humans don’t understand how desperate we are, to pull out our kagune.

After all, for us ghouls, they are the only things capable of killing us and saving us at the same time.

 

_How ironic._

 

It hurts.

 

In order to save ourselves, we must rip away at the flesh from our backs to take it out.

 

You think that it is all a game of cat and mouse for us?

No, we do it to survive, to live.

 

Ghouls hurt each other with their kagune.

So why else should our own not hurt us at all?

 

_A price must be paid for the sin that we have been born as._

 

It starts off as a prickling sensation, slowly buzzing into pins and needles prancing around on our back. It’s almost soothing to some extent, knowing that there are far worse things to arrive.

The sudden bursts of pain begin when it starts to tear at the skin on our backs. We regenerate quickly, which protects us, yet prevents our weapons from coming out.

Mentally, we tell ourselves during every second, “It’s okay. You’re going to be alright. Stop healing, you won’t die. Death can only ensue if you keep on going like this.”

It’s a constant pressure that we must always face, to stay calm in life and death situations and tell ourselves that everything is fine.

 

_Even though it is never fine._

 

Eventually, the kagune bursts out from its cove from our backs, the blood that flowed free infusing with our colored kagune, giving off the brilliant red streaks that patterns its surface.

It’s a terrifying thing, to see something almost living come forth from your very own body, taking part of your own life with it as it grows into something that is so familiar, yet so distant from yourself.

 

_The pain doesn’t stop either._

 

The cool air that brushes against your back, the dust falling from the ceiling and walls as the investigator tears apart the building around you, starting bursts of pain as they contact that raw area that you desperately want to heal, yet can’t.

Even after it’s over, the investigator now laid out flat on the concrete, your back still stings as the kagune retreats, the skin and muscles sore until the next encounter. It serves as a reminder for the life you killed — all for the sake of saving yourself.

 

A constant reminder that you will always be the “monster,” and will never be worthy to be a living, breathing being.”

 

**-Journal Entry #253, Kaneki Ken**


	2. Can Monsters Cry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was no love, no hope, no strings attached. Emotions and feelings were left behind. They were helping the same species, that was all.

_“I… I… don’t want it… I don’t want to eat anymore…”_

Kaneki wrapped himself in the musty blankets that he owned. He huddled in the corner of the room, one of the many in the abandoned building, now packed with ghouls under the Aogiri tree.

It had been a long battle, getting rid of Doves left and right. It was at some point that he had lost himself to the intensity and insanity, in which he barely remembered a thing. It was only when he realized that his mouth was filled with the soothing, salty taste of human blood, did he begin to see his true self.

He had tried so hard. Keeping that poker face, staying away from Anteiku, from the Manager, from Touka, from Hide…

The feelings he felt for them, so warm and kind, were bottled up inside. Left in the little box in the back of his head, hidden in the darkest secret room he managed to make for himself.

They had given him so much hope. So much acceptance. He had been against ghouls, thought them to be monsters, but Anteiku taught him differently. He realized that ghouls weren’t monsters, they were almost the same as humans. Despite his change, he had been loved. Kaneki was beaten up a couple times by Touka, of course, but that was his own fault. They had loved and he hadn’t loved back in return. He only wished that he had seen it sooner, had been able to return the kindness by the ten-fold.

Of course, Hide didn’t know he was a ghoul, nor could Kaneki bear to tell him.. but still… even still, Hide had saved him from being alone all those years ago. The days where he would cry, all by himself, saved by a fragment of warmth. Sure, circumstances were different now, but Hide was still the kindest, most brightening best friend. He never wanted that to change.

Being under Aogiri tree was… quite different. Ghouls took care of other ghouls, but for what reasons? It felt empty. There was no love, no hope, no strings attached. Emotions and feelings were left behind. They were helping the same species, that was all.

He laughed at himself harshly from the inside. Helping. Sure, if that included tearing into the flesh of useless ghouls, tasting their flesh, gaining the power “for strength, for Aogiri”… it tasted filthy… so bitter, but it wasn’t as bad as a hamburger? No, it was worse. Human flesh was one taboo he wanted to avoid, but ghoul flesh… that was worse. It was hundreds, even thousands times worse. He had just gotten over the fact that he was eating what he used to be, but now he was eating away at what he was now.

Oh, how he wished for a cup of warm coffee.. freshly brewed by the Manager, served by the lovely, yet stern Touka, all while reading his favorite book and listening to Hinami’s bright chatter. The warmth of the bittersweet black liquid, the fuzzy feeling he felt in his heart as he watched the busy life of the cafe whiz past, day after day.

But no, for Aogiri, he ate the ghoul flesh. Battle after battle, he consumed more and more. His tastebuds began to go numb after each meal, the filth no longer bothering him. His heart had gone numb too, trying to keep his friends safe while following Aogiri’s orders. His heart no longer felt fuzzy. It felt cold, detached, non-existent. It scared him to no end. Was he losing what it meant to be a person, let alone one who could reminisce on the past known as being human? His heart no longer beat in pain for the fallen, but twisted in a sense of enjoyment that made him smile on the outside, but cry out in despair on the inside. His humanity was no longer a part of him.

But then he met that Dove again.

That Dove had ripped apart that wall he had built up. That Dove had fought him in his crazed state, yelled at him, asked for his old self that had seen eating flesh as something he didn’t want to ever do, but now… it was all he could do. Remembering the warmth, remembering the pain, remembering of what it meant to be HUMAN.

_“Was that all a lie?! Was it? Why didn’t you eat me back then, WHY?”_

He wrapped the blanket tighter around his lean, yet muscular frame, the warmth being small compared to the coldness of the concrete floor and the winter breeze blowing through the open window. Tears formed in his eyes as Kaneki stared into the black space in front of him. He could see the build of the room , every crevice and every nook, through his cursed ghoul eyes, but now they became blurred and unfocused, even when a figure came into the room.

“Here, some food.”

The “fellow” ghoul set a platter of stew next to him. He blankly took the soup bowl as the ghoul left the room and took a large mouthful. Another dead ghoul, the taste of rotting flesh more intense and bitter than the sweet and salty smell of human flesh. The wooden bowl clattered to the floor, his frame now shaking as he drew his knees closer to his body, head bowed. The soup pooled all over the floor, but he didn’t bother cleaning up. The smell of the raw ghoul flesh in the stew of its own blood, carefully but barely covered with the smell of spices, was now enveloping the entirety of the room.

It was now no more different than eating human flesh. After being with the staff, he had learned to love ghouls as much as he had loved humanity. He had loved them so much… but now, it was no different. He hadn’t changed at all, nor had he protected anyone. Nothing. Nothing at all.

For the first time in the time that he had thrown away his human side, his friends, his family, and become a ghoul… no, a MONSTER… – he cried. He wept, digging his fingers into his arm with so much force and pain that it bled. He sat there until morning, just letting the sobs shake his form until the next battle began anew.


	3. I Can Cry Without My Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written before watching the last season of the Tokyo Ghoul anime.

_“Ne~ Kaneki-kun… Did you eat today?”_

Kaneki shuddered and pulled at his hair once more. His eyes were open, but they couldn’t see anything. Darkness. Nothing.

_“Kaneki-kun~ I’m hungry, aren’t you?”_

Rize’s voice continued to echo loudly in his voice, as if she was truly there beside him, wrapping her beautiful, pale arms around him in a tender embrace. He could see her in his mind, purple hair falling onto his shoulder as she leaned forward to kiss his cheek.

_“They took your eyes. Why don’t you eat theirs? Eyeballs are suuupper delicious, they’re almost like grapes I heard. Juicy, sweet, delectable little things.”_

He shook his head blindly, wanting to escape the nightmare that was his own mind, but the light could not enter his eyes. They burned with tears, yet he could not see.

_How long had he been there? Where was he?_

All he knew was that he was lying on a bed, the chilly breeze permeating the thin blankets that was carefully wrapped around his lower body. 

_Breeze?_

Kaneki could now heard the rustle of a busy day street, with cars and chatter passing by what he assumed to be an open window. Huh. Carefully untangling himself from the sheets, he shifted to the edge of the bed and stuck his hands out, feeling for the wall that should be on his left.

_Found it._

He quickly moved his way along the wall, desperately trying to find the window without his eyesight. He wanted it all to end. Everything was falling to pieces. 

_He was falling to pieces._

 Just maybe, the window was high enough for him to….

However, Kaneki was quick to bump into a warm figure standing right in front of where the breeze was strongest.

Gasping, he stumbled back, his left hand reaching to tug at his hair once more in a panic.

“Get out! Leave me alone! No more!”

His breath began to come out in fast pants, leaving him with no more strength to scream at the unknown being in front of him.  

_Meat_. _Aogiri. Blood. My eyes._

_“Oooo, smells good. Human too. Kaneki, I’m sooo tired of eating ghoul meat. Maybe they are treating us to a special treat. You’re used to eating ghoul and human meat already. Just oneee bite won’t hurt.”_

“..n.no.. no more… please.. Hi..de.. T..ou..ka..”

He flinched hard as gentle hands came to grasp his hands. The stranger pulled him into an awkward, yet strong embrace. Still hyperventilating, Kaneki struggled against the warm arms, but they held him firmly.

“Kaneki.”

He tensed at the mention of his name. The mention of his name with that stupidly familiar, tear-inducing voice. The voice he had yearned to hear, ever since the fall of Anteiku cafe and the death of Mr. Yoshimura. Clenching the shirt of the man in front of him, he sobbed into the shoulder of his “dead” friend.

“Hide.”


End file.
